It’s Getting Harder

Posted: September 30, 2015 in Decision-making, faith, life journey, relationship
Tags: , , , , , ,

I’ve been in the state of depression for over a month now.

There are times, when I want myself to be all alone and just cry it out loud. My heart and mind is carrying tons of depressive thoughts which most of the time consumes me. I just don’t know what to do.

There are times when I’m in the middle of my work, I want to scream and cry again. It feels like my eyes never runs out of tears. I’m feeling its heaviness coming from my mind then flowing directly to my heart and makes life lonelier. I really don’t know what to do.

Then, there are times when I just want to stop breathing, when I just want my life to be taken away so I don’t need to suffer at all.

I don’t have someone to hold.

I don’t have someone to listen.

I don’t have someone to care.

Am I all alone in this chapter of my life?
Every day is a battle I’m facing. I was sent out in a war without an armor. Blood is all over my body, every arrow pierced in me, makes it harder for me to breathe. Will I survive another minute? Or even second of this day? Will all my wounds be healed and forgotten? How long will I be out in war?

As I step and breathe, I think I’m running out of time, of life. That when I decided to close my eyes, I’ll be forever asleep until a cold wind passed by. There was a heavy feeling comforting my wounded self. I’m starting to worry, to be afraid. Is this a hallucinations which is very common when you are  about to die? Am I really dying?
But no, I was wrong. He talked to me. He listened to me. He cared for me. He still loves me.
I started crying more than I cried before. He loves me. He still and will always be my Father, comforter and savior. He reminds me how he suffered on the cross to save me. He showed me His plans for me. He loves me more that I love myself. He is my Father and I am her child.

The good Lord, helped me walk through the fire and wire. He even carried me and healed my wounds. He eased the pain and worry in my heart. He made me new and renewed.

I was wrong. I was wrong that I’m all alone. He is there all this time. He never leaves. He never winked. He guide me.

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