“No! I want this! I should be patient and in a minute I’ll find what I’m looking for.”
Sunday was almost over when I received a text message from one of my college friends informing me about the details on her S.I.S. (that’s for PUP students). After reading it, I was about to put my cellphone down when I saw a number not registered on my contacts. At first, I thought it was from my mother and was going to ignore (sshh…) but then I took a second glance and realized it wasn’t. So, I opened it and was shocked that it was a job interview request from Optimo Global Group Inc. When I checked the details, it was sent around 1pm. I was wondering then, how come I did not noticed that message? It was not the first time, maybe my eyes were too lazy checking messages from my phone that is why I haven’t read some of important messages. And to make the story short, I sent confirmation of attendance. But then a question popped up in my mind, “What position did I apply for in that company? And did I really sent an application?” I sat a little while and think of an answer, however I couldn’t find the right one in my mind.
So, without a further a do, I prepare myself . It was another opportunity to grab. (FYI: I just resigned from my 3rd job). On phenomenology stage of my sleep, there were great ideas playing around my mind. What to say, what to answer and what to offer. Wow! It’s amazing! I started constructing better thoughts and ideas. I sounded like an expert in Marketing and Advertising which is not so true. While listening to my speech, I didn’t realize that a big smile was on my face. Yes, I was smiling. That job opportunity was a good vibes to me, it feels like I am going to be hired (assuming? ^.^ ) Of course, with the good vibes I had, I whispered a sincere prayer that whatever God has for me, I will be grateful. Grateful for what God has putting in my life now.
The next day, God showered me hundred percent of faith, trust and steady heart. “Thank you, Lord for this hope!” I joyfully uttered. Before going to my job interview, I had a prior commitment with my “Brus” (the way I used to call my college friends, Molly and Tina.) On my way to PUP, I suddenly felt dizzy and ended up into migraine (dunno why!). I wasn’t feeling well na, my world is literally going round and round. I felt that any moment I was going to throw up. What the hell was going on with me? This can’t be! Not this time, not today!
By God’s grace, I was able to reached my university without fainting or what. Thank you Lord. Just like the old times, I was the early bird who caught the worm. They never changed. Well, that’s fine. Hope they’ll never change. Seeing my friends is always a remedy to my mature life. A break which allow us to be child and free once again. Aw! That was heaven!
The more I get excited to hear them call my name or see them coming, the more insecure I get. Oh, please don’t! These two girls are now earning money and somehow they were able to get what they want, they were able to provide what their family needs, etc. And what about me? I had a job but decided to resign, I have income but decided to be dependent, I have experiences but decided to cut it off. Once again, what the hell is wrong with me? Am I choosy? Not contented? Am I?
Failure. I’m such a failure. Those things were running out of my mind. And I cannot find the best words to defend the “Hopeful Mae” to this “Insecure Mae”. A raging battle within me. Bubbles on my head suddenly flee when I heard Tina’s voice and after few minutes Molly came.
We started talking about this one girl we hated, RECENTLY! For what reasons, let’s just keep it between the three of us (issue ^.^). Talk and talk, reminisce and reminisce, that was our day all about. And unfortunately, were not able to process our T.O.R. problem which is not really our fault, I think it’s the system. Like the usual. Nothing happened with our transcript of records but something new was added to our treasure box of friendship.
Time to bid goodbye. I need to leave, I still have this good vibes job interview. And of course, my friends’ responsibility was accomplished, they wished me luck. (I know that was sincere hahaha).
My sentiments earlier left me for a moment. I was excited. Really, really excited. I rode MRT from Cubao to Shaw Blvd, it was the most convenient means of transportation. Thanked God, few people. In just less than 10 minutes I reached Shaw but due to my stupidity, I headed to a wrong exit. I had to walk and walk, cross the pedestrian and feel the heat of the sun.
Since I wasn’t familiar with the building I started walking on the direction I searched on Google maps. And I thought I was heading the right place. The excited ‘me’ started walking… and walking… and walking. But where is this Belvedere Tower? O-M-G! the heat of the sun slowly burning me (because I don’t have my umbrella, MY FAULT). Lord, please show me where.
I walked almost 30 km… wait, I’m just over reacting… maybe 15 to 20 km…WITHOUT AN UMBRELLA, WITHOUT ANYTHING TO PROTECT ME FROM THE SUN… POOR BEAUTIFUL AND SILKY SKIN OF MINE. (choz, just kidding. Don’t be violent ^.^). With my walk-a-thon, I started feeling tired, exhausted and all its synonyms. Where are you na ba? I’m really tired. Sayang na ang outfit at beauty ko. Tustang-tusta na ako oh!
I really wanted to give up and just go home, but my mind reminds me of my excitement, my ideas, my answers, my hopes… “Okay, PATIENCE! Makikita ko rin iyon.”
I walked another miles with a hesitant and patient heart. So, to make the story short, well it is already long, I
…decided to go home!
I rode on a bus with my only companion that time… McFloat, thanks to Mcdo anyway. I was sitting on the back part, in the middle. I could clearly see those people standing and sitting. I don’t know what to feel aside from being tired. I was tired walking around Ortigas Center, I was tired finding something I couldn’t find. I was tired hoping that it will be a good day. My positive aura was now ruined and turned into total disappointment. Again and again!
Along the way, with the words on my mind, I want to hate myself. I want to stop hoping that one day I will find something worthy. I was hoping that one day there will be a better opportunity waiting for me. I hope… I always hope… until nothing to hope for.
Insecurities, failures, disappointments were swallowing me… all of me.
Until something flashed before my eyes. It was a bright light, very bright light. There was a sweet voice whispering in my ears. There was a tender and loving hand comforting my weary heart and body. There was someone… there was someone beside me.
Oh, Lord forgive me! I was just tired and hopeless. I’m just tired disappointing them especially MYSELF. I was just tired.
I felt bad… really, really bad. I underestimated the plans He has for me. I doubted the love He has for me. And that moment, I had realized so many things.
It doesn’t matter how many times we fall. What matters most are the times we stand up and give a good damn fight.
Life is fair for those who see things in a positive way.
Stop doing it on your own way.
God has plans way better than yours.
Cry for help. No man is an island.
Many of us are so desperate achieving the goals we set for ourselves without realizing that we are becoming monsters in disguise, making every single thing heavier and harder than what it actually is.
Things that are happening around us were not purposely made to defeat and eat us. It was made to mold, encourage and inspire us to seek Him and admit that we are nothing without Him. Everything happens for a purpose… everything happens to teach us lessons… everything happens for a better plans to be revealed just like what the Lord said in Jeremiah 29 verse 11, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
We don’t need to worry on temporary things here on earth because there are greater things yet to come… not here on earth but in heaven above.